Don’t Look at Me | San Antonio Style Blogger

If you’re a friend*, you know I’ve been slowly working up the nerve to get back to my role of style blogger (and one thousand other things). Lately, I’ve been trying to unpack my whys: why do I even want to do this and why am I so terrified to do this. I spent chunks of this week blank-staring out at nothing and sorting through it all. The baby calls it uh-oh-Mama’s-frozen-again.

So one day this week while I was frozen, I thought back to a session I shot two years ago. It was a middle-aged mom, her husband and their two kids. I’d seen her daily for years at drop-off and pick-up. I could easily spot her in a crowd. I knew exactly where her eyes and nose and mouth were positioned on her face, but it wasn’t until I saw her through my lens and magnified by 50% on my screen that I actually saw her.

And she was more beautiful than I ever would have noticed. She had a story. Her eyes formed a smile more grand than her teeth and lips ever could. She was gorgeous and so the next morning I told her so.

I yelled her name from across the street and shouted “Hey! You are so beautiful!” because something told me she wasn’t aware. She squinted, scanned the areas in front of her body and behind her body to see if maybe I was talking to someone else, rolled her eyes and said “You really need to get your eyes checked”. She walked off as if I’d offended her and I just stood there looking like a dummy for way too many seconds after the exchange.

So on this day while I was frozen, I started thinking about this client and all the beauty that was revealed to me when I really looked at her. I started thinking that maybe if I really look at myself, I’d see a beauty that my own eyes often fail to see because they sit behind a lens clouded with self-doubt, fear and comparison. I think many of us, especially moms who’ve sort of lost their identity over the years of being mama, have this yearning to be seen. SEE ME! I AM A REAL PERSON WHO HAS IDEAS AND OPINIONS AND FUNNY THINGS TO SAY AND A  HEART THAT FEELS IMMENSE JOY AND ALSO CRIPPLING PAIN but only look through those little spaces you make with your fingers when you’re watching something scary because you might not like what you see.

So in this moment that I was frozen, I made the decision to look. Not through my fingers. Not through a smudged lens of lies I tell myself. But through my own clear eyes of acceptance. And yes, I kind of cheated by bringing the baby, but sometimes mamas need their hand held, too.

…

*Thank you for patiently listening to my voice, reading my words, lifting me up, giving me courage and making me feel less crazy all the time. You all know who you are and I love you and appreciate you.

You can find the outfit here.

More on my (and maybe yours too) mental health here and here.